Sqwog
by Prestonbrown
Summary: Adventures and antics of an Argonian named Sqwog. Chapter 2 is now up!
1. A He She and Three HUMANS

**Ch 1: A He-She and Three HUMANS**

**DISCLAIMER: I do not own Oblivion. Those stupid bastards at Bethesda do.**

I am Sqwog. That's pronounced "Sqwog." I lived a life of crime; I stole, I broke in to houses, I taunted beggars because they had no money, I killed those beggars, I stuffed corpses into the Count's closet, and I swam underwater while wearing only one shoe. I was horrible. All of my illicit deeds put me in the one place that I thought I would never go, the Imperial Prison.

I circled my cell frantically, hoping to find a way out, or some sort of secret passageway; but come on, how likely is that? "Hey, you!" a voice sounded. I looked around and brushed off the experience..."Hey, you! Come here!" Now I was freaked out. I looked around and noticed a Dark Elf in the dim cell across from me. No wonder he wasn't visible, he blends in. He began to taunt me relentlessly and I just ignored him. I looked around my cell at the eclectic collection of items. There was a jug, a plate, a window, a wall, and a stupid door that was locked. I took the jug, and I threw it on the floor; it shattered into pieces and the Dark Elf took this as a sign to shut up. I laid on the floor, and fell asleep.

When I woke up, there were three guards and a girl in a purple robe staring at me. The two guards wore tan-ish armor and the woman with the robes was extremely fugly and had gray hair to her shoulders. She came up to me and spoke.

"You are the one from my dreams." she said in an odd, manly voice. She dreams of me? Creepy. "You must follow us." I was totally creeped out and I walked away, but she kept talking with the same blank stare. I went up to one of the guards and talked to him.

"So...what are you guys?" I asked him.

"We are Blades," he responded. I was confused.

"No...you're humans." I've seen blades of all kind before; steel, iron, and even glass!

"Yes, and we're also Blades."

"No, you're humans!" Is he retarted? Who the hell thinks that they're a kind of weapon? I decided to talk in a way that would relate to him. "I am....a mace."

"What?" he asked with a blank stare.

"Oh, I see! _You_ can be a blade, but I can't be a mace? Screw you" I screamed in his face, and I walked away. The woman guard walked towards the wall of a cell and pressed in a seemingly inconspicuous block. The wall slid down, revealing a passageway leading out of the prison. Why didn't I think of that?!? Well, I did...but I didn't press in _that_ block.

The woman in purple robes decided to continue talking to me, and I found out that she (or he) was the Emperor of Tamriel! "You're a man?" I asked with disgust.

"Yes, I am," he said. He gave me a disdainful look and I followed him and his posse into the long tunnel. The retarted guard that thinks he is a sword gave me a torch and told me to keep ahold of it for extra light, and all five of us ventured into the unknown...


	2. Talking Rocks & Spontaneous Combustion

**Chapter 2: Talking Rocks and Spontaneous Combustions Don't Exist!**

_special thanks to Chris B. for being my biggest fan!_

_Author's Note: Sorry for the delay for getting CH 2 up! I wanted it to be as good as possible! And this chapter is much longer..._

**Disclaimer: I do not own Oblivion. If I did, I would buy some cheese.**

I burst through the sewer gates with two rats trailing behind me and jumped into the water in front of me; I had escaped. I leisurely swam around underwater, and came upon a fugly fish that looked friendless. "Hi Mr. Fishy!" I said, "I'm going to name you Sqwog... or Sqwog Jr." I grasped ahold of the fish and went up on shore to take my fish home. All I needed was a house. All of a sudden, Sqwog Jr. started flipping out in some sort of a seizure; I couldn't figure out why. I gasped and dropped him. "What's wrong?" I screamed at him. Within seconds, he died. "NOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!! Why?!?!?!? All the good times we've been through!" I slowly bent over and sobbed upon a nearby rock.

When I got over it, I decided to fulfill what the lady-emperor wanted me to do. I started to think...really hard. _What did he want me to do? Burn his son or something? Oh! Jauffre is his son! Why did he want me to burn him? No...that can't be it. FIND his son! Right!_ Content with my little period of thought, I decided that I would search every town in Cyrodiil for his son. I pulled out my map and started to look around the different cities. I heard a voice crying to me. It wouldn't stop.

I turned around, and I saw the rock behind me suddenly grow a mouth and talk to me. "Go to Kvatch!" it said. It took me a while to realize that a rock was talking to me. "Go to Kvatch!" I walked up closer to it, and I stared at it.

"Why?" I replied.

"Go to Kvatch and find Martin!" it repeated.

"Kvatch?"

"Yes, Kvatch!"

"But WHY?" I asked again.

"Damnit, just go to Kvatch!" the rock howled. With a puff of purple smoke, it vanished into thin air. Who wouldn't listen to a rock? I went to Kvatch...

**SIX HOURS LATER**

I saw the outline of Kvatch upon the huge hill in front of me as I was approaching a randomly placed camp. A Dark Elf charged up to me, screaming his head off with some nonsense. "The Daedra! They attacked!" he bellowed. I was afraid he was going to attack me, so I threw an uppercut and sent him flying into some barrels behind him. I ignored the seemingly chilling experience and decided to continue on the windy path leading up the mountain. The closer I stepped to the top of the mountain, the sky transformed into a crimson overhang. Up ahead, I spotted wooden barricades and Kvatch guards squirming about. After a few seconds, I finally realized what all the fuss was about. A fiery portal of fear stood before me and the resident guards.

"No," I said, shaking my head. "No...no; no."

I skipped around the gigantic gate and crept inside the city gate that reeked of an over-burnt steak. Inside, I stepped into a new world of the first-person view of embers in a fire. "Well this sucks," I said out loud. I wove through the crowds of Daedra and made my way inside the city chapel. I approached a man who was speaking to other people.

"I am looking for Martha," I said to him. His eyes questioned me.

"Martha?" he questioned. "Do you mean Brother Martin?"

"YEAH!" I screamed into his face. Flinching, he pointed me in the direction of Brother Martin. His brown robes grew more detailed as I approached him. He saw me coming near him, and shot me an acknowledging look. "Martin," I announced, "you must come with me. You are the emperor's son; he sent me to find you...and the talking rock helped me." His eyes, dripping with confusion, veered away from me and he ignored the fact that I was standing in front of him. "Damnit, Martin! You need to come with me!" Out of nowhere, a small Wood Elf wearing trousers upon his head hit the surprised priest in the back of the head with a frying pan. In submission, Martin fell to the floor, grasping the wound.

The strange Wood Elf helped me carry Martin's unconscious body out of the chapel into the city proper. As we passed through the doorway, there were three Daedra to our right lighting fire to the chapels base. "Burn baby, burn! Disco Inferno! Burn baby, burn!" they all bellowed into the air. We quickly passed by and exited the city.

**ELEVEN HOURS LATER**

Martin slowly began to wake and rub his forehead. The Wood Elf starts to flip out and retrieves his old frying pan, smacking Martin yet again upon the back of his head.

"NO!" I screamed. "What the hell are you doing?"

**THE NEXT DAY [on the Gold Road]**

On the preceding journey, I learned a lot about my Wood Elf accomplice. One, his name was Boothroyd, and after being with him for five minutes, I realized that he drinks skooma, and only skooma, and can only think of taking a breath while intoxicated with it. That explains the pants on his head. Martin began to wake up again, and this time, Boothroyd was instructed not to strike him.

"Where...where am I?" Martin uttered, still dazed from the two blows to his head. We explained everything that there was to explain, and he still wasn't convinced. Along the road, we talked of our lives and the days behind us, and the three of us got to know each other. Everything was uneventful up until a couple days later as we were nearing Chorrol...Martin needed a potty break.

After a couple of minutes, Martin came sprinting out of the wilderness, engulfed in flames. "AHHHH!!!!!!! It burns, Sqwog! It burns!!!!!!"

"What do we do?!?" I asked Boothroyd.

"WEEEEEEEE....skooma-WEEEEE! Skoo-WEEE!" he replied.

"You are no help!" I yelled. I heard the sound of rushing water nearby, and I rushed Martin towards it and tossed his flaming body in. A loud sizzle and an "ah..." and everything was back to normal...for a while.


End file.
